🪷✨ feelings are data

living is not procrastinating

for a long time i wanted to be a robot.

every hour predetermined, every dollar tracked. set myself directions and follow them, in an orderly, repeatable way.

consciousness felt like a distraction. the unruly nature of my brain an inconvenience.

can’t hang out, busy becoming robot barbie, i would say, avoiding my friends. imagining my days as strict boxes. writing, editing, pilates, water. gmail, networking, the new york times.

of course, it never worked like that. that girl is just gen z patrick bateman; psychotic, and also fake.

the most grueling tasks felt robot-like, too. repetitive and painful, my thoughts getting in the way. for me, running on a treadmill. writing more than 4 hours a day. certain types of SEO.

that wasn’t laziness, i came to realize. there’s no such thing.

it was data.

that feeling of dragging my brain across sandpaper. it was the feeling of contorting myself into a way that i was not designed to work.

the more painful, the more mind-numbing a task is, the less it’s the task for you.

i started watching for the things that felt curious, fluid, inspired. the things that make hours disappear as you tumble over yourself, tripping and stumbling, in your rush to discover something new.

for me, yoga. push-ups. long walks in the sun.

writing strange, metaphor-laden introductions.

interviewing experts and making their knowledge sound clear, poetic, explainable.

that was data, too. those are the things that no one else can do. those are how you’ll move yourself forward

i still have to do those other tasks, sometimes, of course. but i try to do them gently.

at least until my robot assistant gets here.